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	Subject: Being there Date: Monday, September 14, 1998 22:15:05 +0100 From: Jérôme To: Guylaine You asked... so here is what happened. In the train, on my way to her place, I was not nervous. Maybe it was self-control. I was reading the paper. Then I reviewed the reasons I was taking this train: for me, but for her also. This is not going to be a one shot deal, I will not disappear as her parents did. As the train was slowing at the station, adrenaline took over. I then realized that I have no expectations whatsoever. I do not have any idea of what she may look like, nor what the day will offer. Live it, that's all... At the station, there are three women waiting, including two blondes. Given the photographs I have, I figure it is going to be one of them. The first one does not seem right, the second one, however... turns her head and is clearly looking intently at someone else. I guess it has to be the third one. With time, Catherine went dark. Foiled again! This is where the shocks start. The middle part of her face - nose, chin, and mouth - is identical to my mother's. I did not expect to see my mother here. But of course, our mother! This phrase will take time getting used to. It is windy and raining. We settle in her car. Catherine wants to talk about a few things, here, before going home and far from her children's eyes. We open different chapters of our lives... for over an hour. And more surprises await me. Her figures of speech, the way she expresses things... are identical to what her mother would say. Even Catherine, later on while reading some archives I brought, realized that she used phrases in the parking lot that were written by our mother years earlier. Finally, we get to her place. I meet Marion and Benjamin. I takes me little time to realize that she raised her family well and that her children are well soldered into it - something I had secretly wished. I am happy at the turn of events, and I told her so when we finally crashed - at 3h30 in the morning! Benjamin is just as I would have been at his age: reserved. Wait and see. Marion is more sensitive; on more than one occasion, her eyes turned red and wet. This was important. Catherine's history goes this way. Mom had little contact after 1963. Catherine kept some mail in her archives: a cardboard box which she used upon crossing the Atlantic in 1958. It all stopped in 1967. Her mother's last letter deals with the future: Catherine's education is the main topic. She found these documents at her grand mother's place, but believes they were hidden from her by the Mother Superior of her boarding school (how can celibate nuns grasp such issues and make such dumb decisions?). In 1967, after the American divorce was recognized in France, another major event takes place. A legal proceeding, where my mother did not show up (another of her legal wranglings that she mismanaged), changes the custody. She legally passes under her father's responsibility, but in reality, her grand mother brings her up. Catherine would have preferred that her opinion be considered. Something else appears clear. Catherine's grand mother, Armand's mother, did something that soured any possible relationship with the Monnoyeurs. Too many clues lead to this assumption. Seeing the custody change hands, Bernadette may have felt robbed of her daughter. Catherine's grand mother remains pivotal. Her own story sheds light on events. She was widowed early on. Armand was her only child and she closed her world around him. Armand felt trapped, and that explains why they emigrated to the United States. In the end, she took care of Catherine: just what Bernadette did not want. Many a topic landed on the table, sometimes in logical order, sometimes not. Recalling everything is beyond me, but let's say that there were some highlights: The nose. Marion was bothered by her nose. Now that she sees that it was inherited from Bernadette, she accepts it more, at least that what Catherine believes. Music. Mom financed piano lessons for Catherine as well. She gladly paid for these lessons, although money was tight. That other half-brother. Catherine noticed that Jacques Marchand had the same family name as Bernadette's maiden name. But being younger, he ought to have carried Henriette Pierrette's married name... Silly me. Catherine's neurons apparently are in better shape than mine. We will have to check this out. Catherine will write. I will try to establish contact as well. The weight of history. We obviously went through the archives and photos. I saw new documents, but Catherine was sinking under all this material. I had a few months to digest most of it, so my head is a bit more above water. Video pulling the past together. A wonderful invention: Catherine got to know her mother through a few clips from these final years. Then, the obvious visual connections between Arianna and her aunt. There is no way my mother could have forgotten Catherine. Although she traveled on three occasions to Europe ('70, '84 and '95) and never tried to contact Catherine. Maybe she did, but who will ever know how things turned out? Living in America. We also listened to audio archives: Catherine's first words transferred over to CD. Catherine got confirmation that French had been her first language, something she doubted all these years. (It was hilarious to see her dog react to this child's voice coming out of the computer. Could he recognize whom it belonged to?) Forty year-old tapes *do* solve arguments. Earlier in the day, I noted that her photo albums had a mistake in them; they referred to her home as being 281 Harvard Street. I told her that 281 was my home; hers was 331 Harvard Street. We each turned to our drawing pads. At first, we thought we were talking about the same place, but then structural differences kept the debate alive. Later, on one tape, there was an English lesson. Catherine, aged 4, was asked to answer the questions asked by her mommy: "Where do you live?" A tweety-bird like voice answered: tee-tee-one Avad Steet ! We were all rolling in the aisles. Only Catherine was redder than the rest! Turning points. Catherine's life really changed in 1967. She realized that she would never have parents, that she would have to stare life in its face, alone. Even on her wedding day, the only member of her family present was her grand mother. Cancer close-by. Catherine also accompanied a parent with cancer. She took care of her mother-in-law and was by her side when she passed away. She could relate to what I experienced, down to the 'bottle breathing' just before the departure. Parallel lines. Lives. Lines. Absentee fathers. Armand came but twice to France. Both experiences were rather surrealistic, cold. Armand never invited Catherine to the United States. He really cut cleanly from his past. Armand also avoided everything after his own mother's death: he gave all powers of attorney to Catherine. He did not attend the funeral. In this case, as in all others: "there was always some excuse". Marion contacted her grand father nearly two years ago. She searched a lot, all on her own. When she finally made it, she got long letters back, but no invitation to America or anything of the sort. She also wanted to trace her grand mother. Catherine, informed of her intentions at this point, gradually was convinced to do something. She never did start anything concrete... We are moreso puzzled by Armand. Armand lied to me when he said he ignored Catherine's married name: the letters he wrote to Marion were labeled to by that very name, at Catherine's address... ... L'oncle d'Amérique, brother, sister... I cannot use the term 'half'. I realize today that I am close to Catherine. But although Paul has daughters, they are barely half-sisters to me. I guess he will know what conclusions to draw if ever he reads these lines. Upon my departure, at the train station, Catherine pulled out gifts for her nephew and niece. I showed her the baby bracelet I found with the archives in Montreal, which I keep in my wallet. The following day, she called to tell me that it was at that point that she broke down. For me it was five minutes later when she said that Marion asked when they would see me again. So, what is left? For Catherine, there needs to be some clarity as to what really happened around the custody change. As Armand is expecting me in late-September, I will go and meet him, but, I will work for Catherine. For me, and here Catherine is taking over some things which are easier done from France, there is more to find out on Bernadette. Her beginnings, how she was adopted by the Monnoyeur. And this marriage: what was it all about really? I will be coming through Montreal and the States shortly. I will bring photos and video. It will be fun sharing all this. And breathing in a deep and mellow Montreal fall. Jérôme