| Zero
Storm |
One
Common Drama |
Two
for One |
Three
Pivotal Years |
Four
Generations |
Five
Ring Circus |
Dear Kurt,
I have an hour free, so I will take the opportunity to sit down and write. Thank you very much for your letter of January 10. Since that date, many events have cascaded, followed by a bad period. I was happy you wrote because I value friendship - and I would have been a better friend when you came to Paris last fall if I had not been so busy.
Since January 18, I am working at the American newspaper New York Herald Tribune.
Since January 20, Paul, my ex-fiancé has returned to America - and in the same town where I lived. This is one reason why I stay here.
But I plan to return in early-September, at least before September 11, date when my visa expires. If I go back, it is mainly because I do not want to lose my status in America. Then I may have a better situation than what I have now. Yet I have doubts as to any better future.
Kurt, I sincerely loved Paul, and still love him. That is my illness.
He was so unfair and cold when he left. I still ask myself: "Why?" He created the bad situations. Paul spent Christmas and New Year's in Munich with Heinz and his wife. I stayed alone for the holidays, although I had planned to go to Munich. Heinz was a friend of mine, and then of Paul's of course when I told them of our wedding. Is it fair of him to steal my friends and spend the holidays with them?
Today, I am not too inclined to write to Heinz. Paul, his sister and a friend lied to me; I had told them not to visit my friends. Heinz may have lied, not against me, but to protect both friendships.
Many of my friends and family know our story by now. I will therefore stay quietly in my corner. The general impression is that I should not have come to Europe before getting married. In addition, Paul spoke badly of me to my sister. She understood later, when I showed her some of the correspondence he wrote and told her that I would do anything for him, even today.
It has been a few months, since last August, that I have had problems with him. And last spring, an operation - I lost his child. It is very difficult to forget today after having been so close and sharing 90% of our thoughts. Well, I have to stop. Still today, I have not found my balance.
Thank you again for the correspondence.
I may come to Munich for a weekend. I do not want to ask anything of anyone. I will not come to work in Munich, although I would have liked that a lot. Paul took up too much of my time, and now I just do not see the point. As I am planning on going to Czechoslovakia for two weeks, it will be a pleasure to come by Munich.