| Zero
Storm |
One
Common Drama |
Two
for One |
Three
Pivotal Years |
Four
Generations |
Five
Ring Circus |
| Subject: | My mother's tactics |
| Date: | Monday, February 16, 1998 04:28:34 -0500 |
| From: | Jérôme |
| To: | Silvana |
I have now concluded, based on everything I have here, that she was happy with Catherine. If so, what happened?
An act of God? A forced separation? How can I really tell? I can only sense pain. I know what it would cost me to lose Arianna or Aubert. How did she survive this? How could she keep it all inside?
Why could she not tell me anything? Never a clue, never a cue.
My mother had beliefs that I found strange; she seemed incoherent, yet some form of logic would come of it. She was not fond of lying:
"You know, it's not nice to lie." would often come up, with a strange sadness to boot.
And why is that?"It's not easy to explain. Lying is deceiving, and then the only thing you get is misunderstanding." Sometimes, the conversation would develop further, as she would add: "... but it is sometimes necessary."
Oh really? How is that?First, you should not lie about petty things. It is stupid, because it is simply useless. On top of that, if you get caught, you really look dumb! Only the important things, the big things must sometimes be hidden...
What type of big things?I don't know... Really big things, and only when you have no other choice. When the truth ends up creating more hurt than the lie.
I don't get it... What kind of big things?Well... take your father for example. It may be better not talking too much about him to some people. There is the clear fact of your grandfather's past in Czechoslovakia; you know you do run risks. And then his situation, his life are complex.... If you talk, then people will ask more questions and it will never end. The worst occurs when you will be hard put to give clear answers. In those cases, people will make up their own and develop an unfair opinion.
My mother always told me about my half-sisters of my father's side. But never that from hers. Catherine was certainly part of those important things to her. Which begets the question, what pain was there to avoid? The only thing I know for sure is that my mother started telling me these things only when I was seven or eight, thus 1968-69. Did silence cover-up some fait accompli, thus talking about them would only raise pain and suffering?
Eight days after her passing, I understand her tactics. She may have been right, after all. She was afraid of my explosive character:
- At age seven, I probably would not have understood and might have fallen prey to a crisis similar to that which experiences a child when his parents split up;
- At age thirteen, being a perfect teenager, I probably would have mocked her, not having any way of understanding all this;
- At age twenty, being too self-centered, I would have archived the thing with an: "OK, but that's in the past. Gotta look forward now";
- At twenty-seven, I would have said nothing. I would have swallowed the explanation - just as I did about her year of birth - and left it at that. I would have forgiven her, but not understood her. And I would not have even tried...
- At thirty-five, a new dad, I would have been mad. Mad that she cut out such a source of pride and joy in her life, in her home.
Now I find out. Granted, in a period of mourning, but today I cannot get mad at her. Somehow, I believe that is what she was after: my understanding without getting all unwound. The pieces fit together...
J