| Zero
Storm |
One
Common Drama |
Two
for One |
Three
Pivotal Years |
Four
Generations |
Five
Ring Circus |
Dear friends,
I hope you will excuse me for having been silent for so long. I wish I had better news. Unfortunately, even if I wait, nothing will change the events of last. First, my day in court kept being postponed. Then things did not go as planned.
Being the conclusion of 9 wasted years, there is little to add. All this without the possibility of being able to guarantee some form of support for Jerome until he becomes an adult; his father really disgusted me... Although I have my memories, something inside is definitely broken. Paul did not want to pay for child support, as is common in this country. Since he has become American, and I have stayed French, it becomes all too easy for me to lose. But he did deposit a lump sum of money - I will not tell you how much, it sounds like a lot, but in reality this will last only 5 years... and Jerome will be only 8 or 9 by then.
Over the past two years, I have never given an inch. However, at our last appearance, an agreement with the judge ended the procedure: this sum will go towards the down payment on a house - to be put in Jerome's name, naturally. We thus parted on these words. I immediately went looking for a house. The more I wait, the less money will remain. I am lucky; I found one. The house is in good condition, but the price is more than I can afford. Yet being a woman, I really cannot choose a place that needs work!
Meanwhile, two ex-friends of Paul's, who saw the house, decided to lend me the money, in addition to the 20-year mortgage. Imagine, friends of his... they know the truth.
When we went back to court, I had to listen to a judge who said he would never give me any money, that my lawyer had to prove other cases like mine existed. I do not mind being a unique case: nine years of patience and never a blame, even though he does not want to help his child's future. Up until now, Jerome's grandfather has paid for everything. That hurts me, but maybe - somewhere - it is compensation for the misunderstanding he and his wife created between Paul and I. Since Paul is gutless, you see where we stand now. No one tried to shake him up, to make him see his responsibilities; his father pays the lump sum for the child...
I also really did not need to be reminded that his present marriage is on the rocks. I know Paul all too well. He has aged a lot these last two years; his face is not as happy as when we were together.
Life is strange sometimes. The woman he is with is disturbed. I hope they will not have children with problems. How high a fall when you look at Jerome. Unfortunately, he has inherited his father's bad temper. I am nipping that in the bud; sometimes it breaks my heart to do so, but it is better to intervene before it is too late. Maybe I am wrong; I listen to my heart and my intuition, as I always have.
This is why I have delayed my trip to see you.
The other reason is that, after the trial, the University laid me off. I thought for a while that Paul might be behind this. It appears not, but the thought remains, as I have had no clear explanations... You can imagine the shock and the turmoil in having to find another job. I have had it. Believe me. To top it all off, they made me stay until the last minute on July 31, just before my holidays; six weeks of enduring and disgust, once you know you are not wanted anymore. The reason? (Jealousy. No other seems plausible. I left on the 31st without even saying good-bye. I just could not stomach it.
I even avoid the University's personnel office to try to find another job. One year ago, things ended up in a similar fashion. Then, a budget cut embarrassed my boss as he had promised me three years of work. Knowing he was not to blame, we stayed friends. This time, it is not the same; I played the game as coldly as they did. Still, the bitterness clings on.
America is a cruel country without social legislation. As I have always worked as a teacher, I have no right to unemployment insurance, and thus no resources. What am I to do? (A bullet in my head? I swear, only Jerome, and my religious upbringing, stop me from doing stupid things.) I only want to see sincerity. I have had very little of late; nonetheless, the fact that long time friends of Paul's helped me get out of this situation I am in since 1960 brings some warmth to my heart. Your letters are always so appreciated. I would also like to have a few words from my neighbor in Prague's Concert Hall... even in bad French or German. Or even in Czech; I still have friends in the linguistics department who could translate for me. My friend Kathy, her sister, her husband and sister-in-law spent Jerome's birthday with me... 4 years already. At least for this occasion I was not alone, like in the previous ones. So maybe there is hope for the future?