| Zero
Storm |
One
Common Drama |
Two
for One |
Three
Pivotal Years |
Four
Generations |
Five
Ring Circus |
| Subject: | The Eye of the Hurricane |
| Date: | Tuesday, February 17, 1998 05:14:02 -0500 |
| From: | Jérôme |
| To: | Silvana |
Today, I feel pushed to search for Catherine by direct means. I search e-mail boxes and phone directories on the net. I have an e-mail address - the adrenaline is pumping hard... But then again, who says that someone 45 would take the initiative to get a personal subscription, especially with Compuserve, which caters to early-adopters and businesses. Thinking things further, I realize that I just cannot ram through without making sure it is the right person. Besides, she may not want to stir the beast. I conclude that the best way to go about this is to act through an intermediary.
Another strange process is evolving inside. I now firmly believe that Catherine is alive, contrary to the impression her passport gave me.
I re-read this letter from 1965 she wrote to friends in Czechoslovakia; I had only scanned through it before. Now my head is clearer and I can decifer her handwriting. I just realize how, under stress, my mother's writing became more cryptic!
This letter reminds me of an early summer day in 1970. I was following my mother down the four steps of our apartment building's main landing. She stopped at the mailbox and I stared outside. A yellow envelope gets immediate attention. My mother does not move an inch. After a while, she folds the note back into its envelope and puts it away with the other unopened ones into her handbag. She grabs my hand and marches decidedly out the building:
Come, we are going to CzechoslovakiaWh-what?Yes, we're off to Europe.Why?Your grand father died.But I thought he lived in New York State?That's right.Oh.. that makes things clearer..We are going to see his brother, your grand uncle.And who is he?He is the only member of his family that did not flee the country. He has not seen his brother since 1948. They were really close. This is going to hurt him when he gets the news... and they are not going to let him out of the country either.
This was the only family member I ever met, aside from mom. I never met my father, but I know my grand'uncle; Uncle Mirek was warm and likeable, he left an impression on me. He, the Prague Concert Hall neighbour, and the Bilek family, friends of my father's family, made up my mother's family - or so it appeared to me. I heard so much more of them than of her own family. In the end, mom knew what to do at the right moment: Uncle Mirek made great physical efforts to be with us, but he collapsed an hour after our train left Prague. Ha passed away three months later, as mom had intuited...
This letter announces the legal end of her relationship with Paul. It is not stated outright, but one can easily assume that they never were married. Given her religious upbringing, it would be coherent with her behaviors towards the scar of divorce:
Mom... why do you not take Communion?And I thought she was divorced from my father...Because, I am divorced. It is forbidden.But I think the rules have changed. In any case, I see parents of my classmates (a school with a religious curriculum) who are divorced: they take Communion...That may be, but that's not the way it is!
The letter confirms what little Paul did for her and I. Paul gets off the hook with a lump sum payment, about five years' worth of what Armand was paying in alimony nearly ten years earlier. He is with another woman. The resources are few. And this without considering Catherine.
In the end, Paul is guilty. Plain guilty. He knew, later, what financial difficulties my mom was going through just to fund my education. Considering that both his parents, born at the turn of the century, had Ph.Ds., it is disgusting to think how important education was for his family. He knew, through my godfather, through his own mother, what was going on... And he never raised the shadow of a finger...
It also appears that he left the nest when I was still in the cradle. In my mind, Jacques Villeneuve's ballistic comment about his father plays in a loop: "In any case, he was never around".
The contemplation of suicide... I am stuck here, in the eye of a hurricane.
Now I really feel robbed. Of my mother, of my sister, of ... Of matters that never mattered.
At the same time, I am getting to know the true nature of my mother, how her mind worked, what conditioned her.
It is now crystal clear why she would focus on any possible saving. One day, at a supermarket, I asked a simple question:
Mom... what is that lady paying with?Food stamps...Huh?It is like money. Except that you can only buy food with it.And you don't have any?"Oh, me?... never! They give those to people on Welfare! I would never take those". Although her tone was getting ominous, that did not deter me:Are you sure? If your budget is so tight, maybe y...No way. Besides, look at the what they buy with that: junk! No, these folks waste their time away and then we go on and give them money. Avoid them, at all costs! They are not trustworthy. You have to work hard and earn your way!
This fierce independent streak never died down. It took all our last energies to convince her that, when she got laid off, that the unemployment insurance had been paid in part by her, that it was her money. It was the same with respect to her retirement funds... You figure it out: on one hand, she complains about the lack of social laws and when she can benefit from something, she switches hands and resists!
There are new questions. In fact, there are so many, that I look at them in a matter-of-fact way...
I now believe that Phil, my Godfather, never knew Catherine, yet alone hear about her. I know I have to be patient; I have to wait before calling him. We are close, we can talk about anything, but I really have to think of my questions and frame them in the right manner, in the right order. I am starting to feel comfortable about this, I can start writing them down.
What really happened to Catherine? I was conceived a few months after my mother left Catherine in France. Did this create financial pressures, where my mother thought she could not raise two children? Possibly: Paul was not working at the time, the relationship was rocky...
I have very few clues for answering these questions, at least not in the pile of mail I have read to date. Now there is another pile of mail staring at me. But not now. I have had my fill for the day.
J.