| Zero
Storm |
One
Common Drama |
Two
for One |
Three
Pivotal Years |
Four
Generations |
Five
Ring Circus |
| Subject: | Speechless |
| Date: | Sunday, February 8, 1998 23:28:34 -0500 |
| From: | Jérôme |
| To: | Silvana |
Today could not have been an ordinary day.
You might remember that my mother and I wanted to check whether I have inherited my genetic translocation from her. Nevertheless, in her way of communicating, she never took the tests. Being hospitalized, I really did not care to see her suffer another needle. Veins of cancer patients are hard enough to find... Since her doctor had a very uncertain prognosis: "it could be a day, a week, a month. You know, the human body is surprising, it can go a long way without nutrition". Mom being sedated, I had decided to close that chapter today.
I arrive early at the hospital, yet the doctor on-call had barely left. The nurses kindly ring him up. He says he is unfamiliar with those tests, and that it is better if I talk to the resident doctor tomorrow.
A singular day indeed. Mom does not talk a bit. I am not even sure she realizes I am there. I am by her bedside a real long time, yet I do not feel time pass.
At 3 p.m. she says one word, the only one of the day: Maman[Mom]
This is followed by dry, scratchy breathing... just like when you are on the last gulps of your diving bottle. This sound being familiar, I am not really alarmed. Then it gets worse and I feel the pain. The nurses confirm this and administer more pain killers. All this is numbing my consciousness.
At 3:30 a nurse, the first one who took care of my mother, invited me to join her for coffee.
Did you two talk ?
What do you mean ?Well, in my book, your mother's going to leave in the next twenty-four hours. Did you two talk? Did you tell each other the things that you might otherwise regret if you don't?
N-No... but what makes you say that she's going to leave in the next twenty-four hours?One can see her leaving. Slowly. The loss of motor abilities. Then the legs cannot move on their own. Other similar signs. Life - energy - seeps away.
...You haven't talked...
No. Our relationship was not a great one. Even in January, when I felt she wanted to say something to me, that she wanted to resolve things... but nothing... She just said there were so many.Well then, *you* talk to her. Now. You won't have many other opportunities...
... but she can't talk...Maybe she cannot talk, but she may be able to hear you. No one knows for sure...
...hmm... thanks...
She then tells me a bit about her profession. Something I could not fathom until then; I could not see anything positive in it. I just could not see how one could live with it, survive in it, see the bright side... Now, some of my blindness is cured.
At 15h55, I talk to mom. I tell her three things. It is quite spontaneous. Yet clear... and easy to say after all.
Then I start worrying about the tests again. Nurses, then on-call doctors are called. I just understand there is some confusion over what labeling the samples must have...
Five minutes later, more scratchy breathing. Pain? Yes? No? I ask the nurses. They confirm and give another dose. Calm returns to my mother's face.
At 16h26, I am sitting on the dresser, staring blankly at the floor, not really seeing it. Then a flow of energy travels down my chest, from the base of my neck to my plexus. From there, it pulls away, out of me.
As the flow is pulling away, I follow it, I raise my eyes. And see my mother's face at peace.
I see no reason to rush things. I observe. I try to see if she is breathing. No, the sheets are immobile. I come in closer and sense no breath. I stand there; the first time I am in front of a corpse. I never thought I could be so calm. I am simply taking my time. Then again, this is not she.
Five, ten minutes later, I get the nurses. They are in a shift-change meeting. Upon seeing me, half of them turn around. The head nurse asks me if anything is going on.
'It's not my field of expertise, but I believe she stopped breathing'.
Four nurses come to confirm. The head nurse beckons the on-call doctor. It is too late; coagulating blood could alter the test results... I guess that makes two links I have lost...
I need to talk to you.
J